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My Biggest Regret as a Parent

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Biggest Regret as a Parent

As a new parent I thought it would be years before I had my first big regret, but damn was I wrong. My oldest is 2 and I already think about my biggest regret on a regular basis. Want to know a secret?? It has nothing to do with my children!

“it has nothing to do with my children”

What is my biggest regret?

Here is it are you ready for this? Losing myself, yep that’s it. When I became a mom that was all I was and it was, and is my own fault. I love my children and since Adella was my rainbow baby she was my EVERYTHING and I don’t think there was anything wrong with that, but at the same time I needed to think about me.

What do I mean

I’m not talking about self care although I totally failed there too, but I’m talking about hobbies! I stopped doing things I loved and did nothing but care for my child. I wasn’t away from her but minutes for a year plus, and I was no longer Toni. I’m sure that played into some depression I was dealing with or was it the other way around? Did you know not allowing others to help care for baby can be a sign of Postpartum Depression?

What were my hobbies

Fishing, man I would go any day I could. I would meet Luke at the lake when he got off work, and we would fish till the sun went down. It so relaxing and stress relieving and we loved it. But along came baby and I haven’t been fishing in three years, and I can’t lie I want to cry just thinking about it. I want to go fishing so bad it may or may not be breaking my heart. So why haven’t I gone? Well the idea of fishing with two toddlers makes eye twitch and we just don’t like to hand off the kids every weekend.

Crochet, this is actually a new hobby. I always thought it was a amazing and had tried to learn a few times as a kid and for what ever reason it just never happened. But I taught myself when I was pregnant with Adella and I feel in love. I have this huge crocheted blanket my great grandma made me for the my 5th birthday and the love I have for her grew and I felt connected with her in a different way. We lost her years ago and she was my best friend and I miss her so much. I have started crocheting again and am learning new patterns and I just love it. I of course suck at making the time to do it with it being summer, but come winter I will be on it again.  It is fun and cute! I’d love to make mommy and me scarves because I mean look how cute we are!

I made those scarves!!!

Baseball, I love softball and baseball!!! I played softball from t-ball through high school and I loved it. I also love watching it! We did get the pleasure of watching the Chicago Cubs with the 2016 World Series and it was life changing! Luke, Adella, and I stayed up till mid night watching the 7th game! But I wish I could go to a game, or actually sit and watch a game, maybe introduce Adella in to the love of baseball.

Cooking, now I obviously cook! I mean we all have to eat and if you have read any of my post you know I love to cook with Adella. But I am talking about having the time to learn a new recipe, a new skill, or the time to make a 4 course meal. It is relaxing, and brings me so much joy, but chasing kids, ensuring they aren’t getting into everything, and trying to cook is more a recipe for mommy to lose her patients.

Why do I think I allowed this to happen?

I think I felt like I needed to do it all or I was failing. I was and still am overwhelmed with finding the balance of me and mommy. I feel my miscarriages played a huge role. I struggled so much after having Adella between my birth and realizing everything I missed! I overcompesasted and then couldn’t come back from it.

Read more about my rainbow baby struggle in my guest post on The Butterfly Mother

Would I Change how I did things?

Yes, I most definately would. I would have plopped Adella in a carrier and took her fishing with me when she was little, or took her to more baseball games. And I would have said “hey I need to remember who I am” or “I am more than a mom.” Do I think I can still change? I honestly don’t know where to start, but I do feel I need to start somewhere before I totally forget who I am. It can be so deflating having no life except for being a mom and as a SAHM that is my life I am not Toni to anyone for 90% of my day, and then I am a wife the other 10%.

What will I do going forward?

I am going to start doing the things I love more! Even if it is just once a week I set aside an hour for me it is a start. I need to remember who I am as a person and not just as a mother. One day my little girls will be grown up and won’t need me like they do now and I don’t want to be lost.

I don’t want to be that mom who shows up at their college dorm room because I don’t know what to do at home.

What is your biggest regret as a parent? Have you lost yourself? What have you done to keep your identity?

The Mum Conundrum

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  1. Alexandria says:

    Even without being a parent myself, I am learning to find myself again instead of putting myself last.

    1. becomingschultz says:

      I was this same way. So adding these humans that needed me 24/7 didn’t help. I always cared for others and not for myself. I always wanted to be a mom, that is who I wanted to be, but for my own mental health I need to be more than that.

  2. Having children is such a big step in life and comes with so many self-sacrifices. It’s definitely important to have some me-time and do things you enjoy once in a while to remind yourself who you are !

    1. becomingschultz says:

      It so is, and I totally lost myself in it. I fought so hard to have these little humans and I forgot I am Toni not just mom.

  3. Such good advice. I’m a mom to be, due with my first in September and these are things I think about a lot. I want to show my little girl that I have things I love, apart from her and her dad, and that I want her to see. I want her to see my love of designing my home and sewing and embroidering, and hopefully that’ll encourage passions of her own.

    To you, I say, (even though I’m not a mom yet) that I don’t think it’s ever too late to show her. I’m still learning things about my own mother, and I love it. So why not start now?!

    XOXOXO Colleen

    1. becomingschultz says:

      Congrats on the baby girl!!! Girls are so much fun! I am starting to do my hobbies and include her in them. I want her to see her mom as more than just mom! I am a women and my own person, I just got lost.

  4. This is such a good reminder to continue doing what you love despite how your life changes. I used to paint all of the time, but with my job getting busier, I feel like I’ve lost that skill. I tried painting again and I got so frustrated because I couldn’t get back into the swing of it.

    1. becomingschultz says:

      That has been the hardest part. Those things I was once so good at I am not struggling to do. It is disappointing and discouraging I won’t lie.

  5. Nailil says:

    I feel like we all have so many regrets this parents. But it is So important to focus on all of the good too.

    1. becomingschultz says:

      Oh yes no doubt, I have regrets on things I could have done better but this is my biggest. I love being a mom and that is why I lost myself, but I need to remember it is okay to put me first sometimes.

  6. Such an inspiring read, thank you for being so transparent. I think just by sharing your story you are empowering others to do the same:)

    1. becomingschultz says:

      Thank you, I want to be as honest as I can. Parenting isn’t all coloring and fun it’s hard, damn hard. I hope that by sharing my struggles other mom’s can feel at peace knowing they are not alone.

  7. I think you already are changing by acknowledging that you stopped doing the things that made you happy as an individual. I am a new mom to a 6 month old baby girl and finding that balance was definitely a learning curve for me as well! I try to capitalize during nap time and after she’s gone to bed for the night.Sometimes I may be more tired but I feel that the recharge to connect with myself is more important.

    1. becomingschultz says:

      Congrats on the little one. I do enjoy the occasional nap time in which both kids are napping together and it is so amazing! Bed time is hard since my toddler stays up till 10 lol

  8. So true! We forget ourselves and we are busy parenting. But as you said it is so important to set time for our passions, and our children should know who their mom was, and who their mom love to be. Inspiring article. Keep up the good work! Sara @

    1. becomingschultz says:

      Thank you. It has been so hard, but I am looking forward to being me again!

  9. It is definitely important to keep your identity. As a mother of grown children I had to find a way to balance both and it wasn’t always easy.
    Seeing how much you love your hobbies they will see how you put your heart and soul into it and it’s a great teaching opportunity to show them Work Ethic, even in a hobby. It’ll also let me see you in a different light and it’s a super bonding and memory making time.

    Have fun and never lose yourself.
    P.S. I was that mom that showed up at my son’s dorm. He loved it. We had a standing wend lunch date!!

    1. becomingschultz says:

      I am struggling so hard!!! I do want to teach her to find something she loves and to put energy in to it, and not to let anyone tell her she can’t do it!
      P.S. I will so be the mom that shows up at her dorm no matter what my girls will always be my babies! haha

  10. I feel like this will speak to so many moms out there. We all give so much to our children (which is great) but then we forget to give a little back to ourselves. You have to nurish yourself to be able to fully nurish your little ones. Loved the post!

  11. I have 4 children. The first two years of their life were not about me in any way. I think that’s pretty normal to be selfless and give what you need to your little person when they are so dependant on you. As they grow and become more dependant on themselves, you have the time to start focusing on yourself again. It’s funny how perspectives change after all that time. Hobbies come and go, but the time you spend and devote to your children is precious and priceless. Someday, years from now, you might look back and be glad you gave that to them, when all you have is time to fill with hobbies and no little voices babbling or little feet pitter pattering across the floor. As they age and join you in those hobbies, they will grow to appreciate and love those experiences with you. Please don’t regret your selflessness. You did a good job Momma.

    1. becomingschultz says:

      So needed to hear this and you are probably right. I know one day I will be so thankful I did things the way I did and will want to do anything to have that time back again. Thank you for your comment!

  12. Aww, mama, don’t be so hard on yourself! I think we ALL fall down a black hole the first year of parenthood, and then gradually we start to reemerge over time – the non-parent “us” that is. You’ll rediscover more and more of yourself as they get older – and what’s even cooler is, as they get older, you can start to introduce them to more of the things you love so you can do them WITH your kiddos (and/or they can better manage when you go off away from them to do those things you love!) 🙂

    1. becomingschultz says:

      We have just recently gone on a few date nights and my 2 year old did amazing. She runs off and plays so well with other kids while others have to pry their kid away from them and “force” them to play. It is so nice!

  13. Spot on. I definitely need to more of the things I want to do, sometimes we bend over backwards so far for others that it’s hard to get back up.

  14. I can relate to your article. It is so hard as a parent to do everything for them and still have time for yourself. I am trying through starting a blog to start to do something for myself and make things better for our family but it is hard to balance everything. I love being a mom. It is a hard balance though!

    1. becomingschultz says:

      It is such a hard balance. I too am hoping this blog can bring me some sort of purpose beyond mom.

  15. As a mom of two, I can totally relate. It’s definitely a balancing act. Kudos for doing something about it!

  16. It’s so important to remember our pre mum selves & look after them too! #MMBC

  17. I can relate. Prior to kids I was totally into my job as a teacher, when I had kids, I threw all my love and attention into them. I didn’t go back to work and I slowly lost who I was. As they grew up, I started to find hobbies I enjoy and that has helped me tremendously. I like to write, take photos, Craft, scrapbook, walk, etc. I also found having friends is important! Nice read!

  18. This is such a great article and it comes at the perfect time! I have a 10 year old boy and 14 year old boy. They are great kids, but they can drive me crazy. I am not sure what it is, but I have been flying off the handle pretty quick lately. As in the article, the reasoning behind the outburst is justified, but the outburst itself is not. I feel like mine builds up from telling them the same things over and over, but that is no excuse of course.

  19. A happy mum equals a happy child. If we’re not 100 per cent, we can’t give our 1oo per cent either. It’s tough to remember to prioritise ourselves when kids are in the picture, but we must. Be it our health, mental stimulation, hobbies and definitely some me-time. We need to rejuvenate. I was a journalist in my pre-baby days. I started my blog as a way of finding myself again, post-baby, and to do something I enjoyed. To be more than just ‘Mum’…
    Great post, thanks for joining us on the #itsok linky

    1. becomingschultz says:

      This blog has been a way for me to be creative again! I have really struggled with finding me again after being a mom.

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