Biggest Regret as a Parent
As a new parent I thought it would be years before I had my first big regret, but damn was I wrong. My oldest is 2 and I already think about my biggest regret on a regular basis. Want to know a secret?? It has nothing to do with my children!
“it has nothing to do with my children”
What is my biggest regret?
Here is it are you ready for this? Losing myself, yep that’s it. When I became a mom that was all I was and it was, and is my own fault. I love my children and since Adella was my rainbow baby she was my EVERYTHING and I don’t think there was anything wrong with that, but at the same time I needed to think about me.
What do I mean
I’m not talking about self care although I totally failed there too, but I’m talking about hobbies! I stopped doing things I loved and did nothing but care for my child. I wasn’t away from her but minutes for a year plus, and I was no longer Toni. I’m sure that played into some depression I was dealing with or was it the other way around? Did you know not allowing others to help care for baby can be a sign of Postpartum Depression?
What were my hobbies
Fishing, man I would go any day I could. I would meet Luke at the lake when he got off work, and we would fish till the sun went down. It so relaxing and stress relieving and we loved it. But along came baby and I haven’t been fishing in three years, and I can’t lie I want to cry just thinking about it. I want to go fishing so bad it may or may not be breaking my heart. So why haven’t I gone? Well the idea of fishing with two toddlers makes eye twitch and we just don’t like to hand off the kids every weekend.
Crochet, this is actually a new hobby. I always thought it was a amazing and had tried to learn a few times as a kid and for what ever reason it just never happened. But I taught myself when I was pregnant with Adella and I feel in love. I have this huge crocheted blanket my great grandma made me for the my 5th birthday and the love I have for her grew and I felt connected with her in a different way. We lost her years ago and she was my best friend and I miss her so much. I have started crocheting again and am learning new patterns and I just love it. I of course suck at making the time to do it with it being summer, but come winter I will be on it again. It is fun and cute! I’d love to make mommy and me scarves because I mean look how cute we are!
Baseball, I love softball and baseball!!! I played softball from t-ball through high school and I loved it. I also love watching it! We did get the pleasure of watching the Chicago Cubs with the 2016 World Series and it was life changing! Luke, Adella, and I stayed up till mid night watching the 7th game! But I wish I could go to a game, or actually sit and watch a game, maybe introduce Adella in to the love of baseball.
Cooking, now I obviously cook! I mean we all have to eat and if you have read any of my post you know I love to cook with Adella. But I am talking about having the time to learn a new recipe, a new skill, or the time to make a 4 course meal. It is relaxing, and brings me so much joy, but chasing kids, ensuring they aren’t getting into everything, and trying to cook is more a recipe for mommy to lose her patients.
Why do I think I allowed this to happen?
I think I felt like I needed to do it all or I was failing. I was and still am overwhelmed with finding the balance of me and mommy. I feel my miscarriages played a huge role. I struggled so much after having Adella between my birth and realizing everything I missed! I overcompesasted and then couldn’t come back from it.
Read more about my rainbow baby struggle in my guest post on The Butterfly Mother
Would I Change how I did things?
Yes, I most definately would. I would have plopped Adella in a carrier and took her fishing with me when she was little, or took her to more baseball games. And I would have said “hey I need to remember who I am” or “I am more than a mom.” Do I think I can still change? I honestly don’t know where to start, but I do feel I need to start somewhere before I totally forget who I am. It can be so deflating having no life except for being a mom and as a SAHM that is my life I am not Toni to anyone for 90% of my day, and then I am a wife the other 10%.
What will I do going forward?
I am going to start doing the things I love more! Even if it is just once a week I set aside an hour for me it is a start. I need to remember who I am as a person and not just as a mother. One day my little girls will be grown up and won’t need me like they do now and I don’t want to be lost.
I don’t want to be that mom who shows up at their college dorm room because I don’t know what to do at home.
What is your biggest regret as a parent? Have you lost yourself? What have you done to keep your identity?
The Mum Conundrum